Moving to London: what a difference!

All my life I have always been that kind of guy people like to have around. Always funny and up for anything. My friends were always calling me or asking me out and we were having a great time together.

But when I moved out of my little town in Italy and started a new life in the chaotic London, something very weird happened: all of a sudden I had no friends and my popularity wasn’t at the top anymore. I was going along with the people I was working with, but they didn’t really ask me to do any activities with them.


Italian friends only?

That made me ponder about the reason why I had so great a following back home and almost zero here in London. I came up with the idea that, since I was born in a different country, I could only go along with other Italians. But I really wanted to meet different people. So I decided to go out as much as possible to make new friends.

But at every party I went to, I ultimately ended up meeting Italian people and becoming friends with them. I was subconsciously still binded to the values I’ve developed in my own country and my attention was automatically directing me to other Italians.

Friend-finding plan!

Upon realising so, I made myself a promise: “I won’t go out with other Italians anymore, but I will find a cool friend with the following specifics:

– has to be a cool guy
– has to be a DJ, so that he could take me to every party for free like a VIP
– has to like working out
– has to be spiritual and open minded

The plan did work!

Without realising, what I did was simply writing down my highest values at that time and asking the universe to find someone that would share the same and become good friends.

In no time I met this guy called Clint who was exactly as I described him. And guess what? All his friends were sharing similar values to mine. End of the story: I again made a group of good friends that enjoyed my company and gave me that sense of significance I was looking for.

Common values

We as humans like to spend time with people who share all or some of our highest values. Let me give you an example: your best friend just had a baby. What is she going to tell you about every time she has a chance? Obviously her baby.

Now, if you are a young mum, you will surely enjoy her company and spend the whole day talking of what shape of Pampers are better for holding your daughter’s poop without leaving stains on her clothes.

If you are a lifetime football fan, then you will end up at the pub with your mates who most likely share the same passion, and have heated football discussions! And so on, with every passion or value you share.

You will always surround yourself with people that share your highest values.

The alpha male/woman

Now let’s get to the hot topic: who wins the prize for the most addictive person in your group?

Since earliest man there has always been “ the alpha”, aka the strongest man or the most beautiful woman. With the evolution of the species other traits like status, fame, intellect, wisdom and the capability to stimulate emotions in others have become part of what we can call addictive personality.

I can bet Buddha, Jesus and even Hitler had quite an addictive personality. But in the micro-universe called “our group” what are the essential traits to win the gold medal in addictiveness?

what is an addictive personality_2

Let’s spot the addictive personality!

I am the captain of the Expedition and in front of me I have you and all the people you can call friends. There is a tall mountain in front of us and I hereby give the order to climb it and pick up the flag I’ve put on the top.

What’s going to happen is that the people in front of me will split in four groups. I am going to give them a colour to distinguish them better:

1 – RED: the reckless ones. I don’t even finish talking and they are already running towards the top of the mountain. They are very competitive and they have no clue how long it would take, or if they will be able, to get till the top.

The challenge excites them. They can’t stand being left behind. They need to get there first.

2 – BLUE: the clever ones. They are as ambitious as the REDs, but they think they’re smarter. They quickly team up and start discussing the fastest and most effective way to get there. Is there a shortcut? Is there a chairlift? Can we pay someone to carry our supply, so that we can be faster?

They don’t mind spending extra time to decide the best action plan. They always want to demonstrate that mind rules over matter.

3 – YELLOW: the cautious ones. The mountain is very high and they don’t trust their abilities. They do want to climb it, just to show the others that they are not worthless, but they are not ready for the challenge. They much rather take it easy and enjoy the journey. They will definitely spend time to plan supplies and looking for the safest way to get to the top.

4 – WHITE: the scared ones. They really don’t think they could make it to the top. Therefore why should they even try? Much better to enjoy the comfort of their actual position and wait for the others to come down and tell them about their adventures. They maybe tempted, but the fear of failure or judgment is way too big. Safety first!

What’s your colour?

Are you a RED reckless warrior? Quick mover, risk taker and relentless. A good example of RED personality could be Richard Branson. Quoting him “when an opportunity knocks on the door, just catch it. Figure out later how to make things work”.

Are you a BLUE wise thinker? Astute and clever, calculator and lover of shortcuts? Good examples of BLUE people are Archimedes, Bill Gates or Steve Jobs. They all take risks and challenges, but they use their creative mind as their best advantage.

Are you a YELLOW cautious person? Careful, loving and caring? A great example for this would be my mum!

Are you a WHITE person? A bit insecure and always following what the group does? A good example would be the classic overweight guy that some people might make fun of, or the shy little girl.

Let’s talk results!

The most addictive personalities have traits of RED and BLUE, simply because they are risk takers and leaders. People like to see others taking charge of the situation or doing crazy things that they wouldn’t believe possible. If you think carefully of your group of closest friends, you will see those traits.

YELLOW and WHITE often tend to team up and might be having a great time together. But if they are given the chance by REDs or BLUEs to join their group, they will most likely take it (as long as nothing too risky is involved).

Change colour, change your game!

It is really common for people to change their traits after certain situations they face in life.

A rock star almost dies of an overdose and upon recovery decides to dedicate his life to God and helping others (RED to YELLOW).

A fat girl loses three stones and starts getting a lot of attention from boys, ending up becoming a crazy party girl (WHITE TO RED).

A passionate mountain climber who loses a friend in an expedition becomes absolutely scared of even wearing a backpack (RED TO WHITE).

A very shy girl who discovers a great talent for dancing starts performing in front of thousands of people (YELLOW TO BLUE).

A great leader that becomes a victim of his own success (BLUE TO RED TO WHITE).

It’s all about balance!

You can see that having an addictive personality it is not necessarily the source of long lasting pleasure, but can end up very badly. I like to think that a balance between BLUE and YELLOW with spikes of RED would be the perfect mix to live an extraordinary life, but that’s just my take.

Let’s try this!

Next time you go out, try to categorise the people you see with the four colours. Then try to act as if you were wearing a different colour and see the reactions of people. Do you like that? See yourself with another vest and have fun playing with what people expect from you.

Realise if you really want to change your role inside the group. Then share this example with your friends and ask them what they think of you. They may have a completely different opinion!

To read more about David Alfonsi, visit his Expert Profile.

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